I'm have just finished censoring my blog. It might already be too late. If I try and do anything then I might get discovered. I know that other people I know are using this site and all it takes is for someone to be that little bit curious and to do a tiny little google search and BLAM! friendships are lost. Well, only if the people involved haven't grown up yet. You might be able to tell but I have been reading Watchmen recently. I am on the last chapter and I must say it is very interesting. As always I feel I must identify with one of the characters and hard as it may be to believe I like to think that Rorschach and I have something in common. I mean, come on, we are both scociopaths who..... not really. However it still creeps me out, I don't think I'd ever enjoy being that paranoid.
Too tired. Continue later.
P.S. I did something totally awesome today, and you'll never know what it was. Night.
Saturday, 14 March 2009
Wednesday, 25 February 2009
It doesn't Want To Work
Me that is. Not strictly tur, but I always wuss out whenever it seems to come time to be doing something about my current financial situation. So, I'm feeling down again (what else is new?) and I'm trying to stay positive. Not meaning to be an emotional fuckwit I'm going to try some rational thinking here. So I have found something. I always feel the worst when I am tired, which if you didn't already know is most of the time. I spend all my time doing stupid shit and not really taking responsibility for what I am doing. This just seems to further my despair.
Why am I saying this? You know what the real problem is? I left my brand spanking new laptop out at a friends house and his bloody cat went and walked all over it and now there are two scratches on the other side of this screen. Typical. I keep going on to my family about how there is no point in having something if you're just going to preserve it as though it's the last damn mcwhidget on the planet, then when something of mine gets the least bit scratched I revert back to my genes and start getting annoyed. Dissappointed even.
I found out today that the guy who is the head of second year at my course has a picture of each of us in his room. Why on earth does he have this? Is he trying to make some effort to get to know us? Is he having pretend conversations with the faces in his room because he doesn't have the courgae to speak to us face to face? Are our positions in his room relative to our scores in the recent exams? I don't think i'll ever know but it does seem like he is making some kind of effort and I feel it criminal that I myself am making no such effort. I don't even know who my student counsellor is (though I don't think many people do). This summer I want to get a job and learn how to drive. These seem to be essential pre-requisites for life (of the non-tortured kind) and I am eager to participate them. This shall counter several fears in my life.
1. The fear of social interaction
2. The fear of failure
3. The fear of not knowing what to do
Hmm. I'll report back on my progress later. If my plan for the next summer succeeds then I believe That I'll be ready for the challenge the next Summer. Which will be a Summer placement at an actual company somewhere. Here goes nothing...
Why am I saying this? You know what the real problem is? I left my brand spanking new laptop out at a friends house and his bloody cat went and walked all over it and now there are two scratches on the other side of this screen. Typical. I keep going on to my family about how there is no point in having something if you're just going to preserve it as though it's the last damn mcwhidget on the planet, then when something of mine gets the least bit scratched I revert back to my genes and start getting annoyed. Dissappointed even.
I found out today that the guy who is the head of second year at my course has a picture of each of us in his room. Why on earth does he have this? Is he trying to make some effort to get to know us? Is he having pretend conversations with the faces in his room because he doesn't have the courgae to speak to us face to face? Are our positions in his room relative to our scores in the recent exams? I don't think i'll ever know but it does seem like he is making some kind of effort and I feel it criminal that I myself am making no such effort. I don't even know who my student counsellor is (though I don't think many people do). This summer I want to get a job and learn how to drive. These seem to be essential pre-requisites for life (of the non-tortured kind) and I am eager to participate them. This shall counter several fears in my life.
1. The fear of social interaction
2. The fear of failure
3. The fear of not knowing what to do
Hmm. I'll report back on my progress later. If my plan for the next summer succeeds then I believe That I'll be ready for the challenge the next Summer. Which will be a Summer placement at an actual company somewhere. Here goes nothing...
Friday, 28 November 2008
Hello
Here I am again. I'm totally fucked and I have a cigarette in my hand. I fee like writing a story. Detectives in my opinion are still a recurring theme. Heh. Everything seems like a mystery that I have to solve. Fuck. It's so cold that I can barely type this. It also doesn't help the fact like I am fucked. Damn, I wat Max Payne to die of liver failure from the sheer amount of painkillers he takes. Fuck man, he must be comstantly fucked. Not to mention he has to live life in a small stop motion world where everything he says is clear to the obsever.
Ouch. How can I get motion sickness from just typing at a keyboard. By the way my stomach is constricting I'd say that I am very hungry. Doesn't make sense though. I had some pasta a couple of hours ago. Still, feels like ages when you are as fucked as this. Hmmmm.
^ that is the thinking gap. The time bought so I can write crap here without you noticing. Only joking. I think I'd make a great systems analyst. Writing crap that someone higher up will buy and then force the poor suckers to try and fail to reach that ideal. Well. That's enugh from me for now. I feel really tired..... yawn.
Ouch. How can I get motion sickness from just typing at a keyboard. By the way my stomach is constricting I'd say that I am very hungry. Doesn't make sense though. I had some pasta a couple of hours ago. Still, feels like ages when you are as fucked as this. Hmmmm.
^ that is the thinking gap. The time bought so I can write crap here without you noticing. Only joking. I think I'd make a great systems analyst. Writing crap that someone higher up will buy and then force the poor suckers to try and fail to reach that ideal. Well. That's enugh from me for now. I feel really tired..... yawn.
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
Strath.ac.uk
I lol'd. Well I really didn't. I'm sitting here in a lab not doing my work. The lab has now officially started and I'm fighting to type this whilst keeping people form reading it. It may be a bit cowardly but I do often use this to bitch about people. Still it'd be better if I said this rather than just keeping it all pent up. Anyway, no-one I know knows about this blog so it's all safe. I'm not saying it to anyone I know to go behind their back I'm just... telling it to a computer screen. Anyway, life is good. I have moved out from home and it is brilliant.
Yes, I bet you thought that I was serious. I'm only a wee bit serious. I am house-sitting for a friend who is going to Africa for a month or so. It is just great to be able to go somewhere and not have my parents being all stupid about it. If I had my way I'd leave and never ever speak to them again. Not because I hate them or anything but just because I don't feel the need to. I have nothing more to say to them and I am tired of having to justify all of my actions and report to them all the time. Sure I'll call up on birthdays and the like, but don't expect much more comunication from me.
I seem to be going nowhere with this blog but I have a plan. I'll bring it all right back, right now. i did lol, but I had to pretend that I didn't. It would seem that in the real world you can't laugh about many of the things that trouble the civilised world. Diseases, crime and terrorism are all out of the question. If I want to..... okay, I have completely lost my inspiration.
I think I'll type here again, when I am much less tired.
Yes, I bet you thought that I was serious. I'm only a wee bit serious. I am house-sitting for a friend who is going to Africa for a month or so. It is just great to be able to go somewhere and not have my parents being all stupid about it. If I had my way I'd leave and never ever speak to them again. Not because I hate them or anything but just because I don't feel the need to. I have nothing more to say to them and I am tired of having to justify all of my actions and report to them all the time. Sure I'll call up on birthdays and the like, but don't expect much more comunication from me.
I seem to be going nowhere with this blog but I have a plan. I'll bring it all right back, right now. i did lol, but I had to pretend that I didn't. It would seem that in the real world you can't laugh about many of the things that trouble the civilised world. Diseases, crime and terrorism are all out of the question. If I want to..... okay, I have completely lost my inspiration.
I think I'll type here again, when I am much less tired.
Tuesday, 4 November 2008
Emo
There is a man on my course. He is seemingly normal but there is something about him. Something that makes me want to smash his face in. Fat piece of shit. I really should calm down. He is a fool. He just sits there and pretends everything is fine and that he is nice and happy. He is a man rotting away from the inside, devoured by his own twisted mind. Well... he will be if he keeps on going like this. Stupid bastard. I try and offer him help but he just flails his arms and goes "No, I want to stew in my own shit. I don't want any help from you. No-one has ever felt pain like this! Boo hoo hoo." I know people in much worse situations than he will ever know!
Thing is, this man won't do anything to help himself. Instead he just pins everything on me. Like I'm going to fucking save him. I tried to help but he wasn't having it. Anyway, I'm busy enough trying to keep my own head above the water. You know, I really really want to go on a big rant about it. I really really want to just go into University tomorrow and verbally destroy him. I really really really want to give him that little push, just to see if he has the balls to kill himself or not. Don't tempt me.
This is the way I see it. Your friend has a girlfriend and she is a complete boot. Always bossing him around, being annoying, disapproving of his friends (i.e. you) and never EVER accepting complements. However because she is an emotional train-wreck you really get to know her quite well, you get to know what really makes her tick. Eventually you are at the end of your tether, she has pissed you off one too many times and then it comes, for the 500th time. "I'm fat"........ Your mind goes into overdrive, she is not fat, she knows this but tries to make herself feel better by fishing for complements, I'm not going to do that.... I'm going to give her what she wants, whether she likes it or not. "Yes, your are fat. Infact, so hideoulsy fat that I am surprised that your mother hasn't FUCKING KILLED YOU AND SOLD ALL YOUR FUCKING WHALE BLUBBER TO THE JAPANESE! AND DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU ARE FAT? IT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE A FUNDAMENTAL FAILURE! YOU ARE BROKEN AND YOU ARE STUPID. INFACT YOU ARE SO UGLY THAT I AM SURPRISED THEY LET YOU OUT OF THE FUCKING HOUSE WITH THOSE BIN LINERS YOU CALL CLOTHES!"
That's my philosophy, 'Tell them what they want to hear'. And if they kill themselves? Well, you won't have to put up with their shit anymore.
Thing is, this man won't do anything to help himself. Instead he just pins everything on me. Like I'm going to fucking save him. I tried to help but he wasn't having it. Anyway, I'm busy enough trying to keep my own head above the water. You know, I really really want to go on a big rant about it. I really really want to just go into University tomorrow and verbally destroy him. I really really really want to give him that little push, just to see if he has the balls to kill himself or not. Don't tempt me.
This is the way I see it. Your friend has a girlfriend and she is a complete boot. Always bossing him around, being annoying, disapproving of his friends (i.e. you) and never EVER accepting complements. However because she is an emotional train-wreck you really get to know her quite well, you get to know what really makes her tick. Eventually you are at the end of your tether, she has pissed you off one too many times and then it comes, for the 500th time. "I'm fat"........ Your mind goes into overdrive, she is not fat, she knows this but tries to make herself feel better by fishing for complements, I'm not going to do that.... I'm going to give her what she wants, whether she likes it or not. "Yes, your are fat. Infact, so hideoulsy fat that I am surprised that your mother hasn't FUCKING KILLED YOU AND SOLD ALL YOUR FUCKING WHALE BLUBBER TO THE JAPANESE! AND DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU ARE FAT? IT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE A FUNDAMENTAL FAILURE! YOU ARE BROKEN AND YOU ARE STUPID. INFACT YOU ARE SO UGLY THAT I AM SURPRISED THEY LET YOU OUT OF THE FUCKING HOUSE WITH THOSE BIN LINERS YOU CALL CLOTHES!"
That's my philosophy, 'Tell them what they want to hear'. And if they kill themselves? Well, you won't have to put up with their shit anymore.
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
Errrr
Well, hmmmm, the past couple of days I was feeling really happy. No idea why. I hit 'the mode' or something like that. Anyway I have greatly calmed down and I am now back to normal. I'll try and block out the noise some more but for now, I have to go to sleep. Which day was it that I went cycling? I'll have to read my blog again for that. Later...
Edit: Holy crap. I just read my blog. I cannot believe what i was going through. If you read it that is an accurate description of how I was feeling. It's very hard for me to even think about saying such things. That really was the truth. All of the truth was slipping out of me and spilling onto these pages. Wow. I wonder if it'll happen again, or was it just the build up of all this time taking its toll on me? I know that sounds really negative, but it was so hard for me to stay in control. I'm glad I'm back here again. I'm not as down as I used to be. I feel fine.
Edit: Holy crap. I just read my blog. I cannot believe what i was going through. If you read it that is an accurate description of how I was feeling. It's very hard for me to even think about saying such things. That really was the truth. All of the truth was slipping out of me and spilling onto these pages. Wow. I wonder if it'll happen again, or was it just the build up of all this time taking its toll on me? I know that sounds really negative, but it was so hard for me to stay in control. I'm glad I'm back here again. I'm not as down as I used to be. I feel fine.
Sunday, 12 October 2008
Jesus Tittyfucking
I can only describe this in one way. I stood on a cloud this morning. I have achieved zen. I think it must all be down to the hypnosis that is making me feel at peace again. For the first time I can remember my mind was clear of all noise. I could concentrate again. I have transferred all of my anguish to another body. It is no longer me attacking myself. It is an outside entity. Another person who is the answer-phone machine to my mind. Dear god I haven't felt this great since ever! I cannot believe it. I'm in a state of mania. I have gone too far.............. I can't describe it. I seem to have power over my body. This hypnosis shit is for real. I feel amazing this is scary I must calm down or I'll be ruined for the next week. Wait, I stopped myself. I came back to normality. I came back to the zen. Well, there is not so much on my mind right now. So I'm just gonna sit back and relax.
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