Need to Concentrate

So I am going back to uni next week but i can't be bothered doing any work whatsoever. In an attempt to help me concentrate I am going to start typing away. All of my activities today shall be writing, reading, drawing or programming. And whilst there may be music, I shall play no games. Unless of course it is a sudoku puzzle. I feel the work coming on already.

Och

So that last post I decided to move here because it wasn't really relevant on my 'study' blog. It refers to my last girlfriend obviously. A relationship that ended not too long ago. I was feeling really upset but I had no way to express what I was feeling, and it was making me even more upset that I didn't even feel anything. So I decided to just write until I started crying. I feel a lot better now. Obviously I'm gutted but I don't need to dwell on aything like that for now.

My typing speed has incresed but I do consistently hit ';' instead of the apostrophe. This is really quite annoying. I am currently sitting in a lab at Uni catching up on my blogging and thinking of that delicious chicken sandwich that I could be eating right now. I think I'm gonna go downstairs and get me one.

Day One

It was a good time. It was the most excellent of times. It's over now and I feel like I fucked it all up.

I am in incredible pain right now, but my body is unable to express it. I cannot cry I cannot wail I cannot shout even, that being the simplest thing I could possibly do. All I can do now is ache. A low ache, a dull ache. An ache in my chest.

I was so happy with you. You were everything to me. I didn't care about anything else, I didn't need to. Everyday I could just go home and sit down and know that I could talk to you. I go drop my things off and walk out and see you. You could go home and then meet me in the city.

Every time I met you my world lit up and my spirits lifted. All of my worries drained from my head. The time I spent with you helped me to grow slowly, very slowly. It was what I needed. There was always that one lingering dread. I knew you were leaving. I knew that this couldn't last forever. Maybe that's why it hurts me so much now, because I refused to even acknowledge that fact. I blindly continued on. I wanted your feeling so much that I shut everything else out.

Maybe that's why I didn't get to know you as well as I should have. Maybe that's the reason why I didn't change as much as you have. It's not that I can't do these things. It's that I'm afraid of doing these things. It takes me so long to get started. I can't just jump in. I need time to get accustomed to it.

You opened so many doors to me. So many things I had never seen because I was too content to sit in my comfortable position. I cannot sit here much longer however. You did something to me. You changed the deal. You infected my comfort zone. It's becoming more and more difficult to stay here. I have to get out. I have to go somewhere. I have to go to the city and then the next city and then the next city. I have to learn these things.

You started my growth and now that you no longer feed it there is no need for the change to wither and die. Forty six & 2. It is time for me to grow.

Thank you for everything.

Privacy

I'm have just finished censoring my blog. It might already be too late. If I try and do anything then I might get discovered. I know that other people I know are using this site and all it takes is for someone to be that little bit curious and to do a tiny little google search and BLAM! friendships are lost. Well, only if the people involved haven't grown up yet. You might be able to tell but I have been reading Watchmen recently. I am on the last chapter and I must say it is very interesting. As always I feel I must identify with one of the characters and hard as it may be to believe I like to think that Rorschach and I have something in common. I mean, come on, we are both scociopaths who..... not really. However it still creeps me out, I don't think I'd ever enjoy being that paranoid.

Too tired. Continue later.

P.S. I did something totally awesome today, and you'll never know what it was. Night.

It doesn't Want To Work

Me that is. Not strictly tur, but I always wuss out whenever it seems to come time to be doing something about my current financial situation. So, I'm feeling down again (what else is new?) and I'm trying to stay positive. Not meaning to be an emotional fuckwit I'm going to try some rational thinking here. So I have found something. I always feel the worst when I am tired, which if you didn't already know is most of the time. I spend all my time doing stupid shit and not really taking responsibility for what I am doing. This just seems to further my despair.

Why am I saying this? You know what the real problem is? I left my brand spanking new laptop out at a friends house and his bloody cat went and walked all over it and now there are two scratches on the other side of this screen. Typical. I keep going on to my family about how there is no point in having something if you're just going to preserve it as though it's the last damn mcwhidget on the planet, then when something of mine gets the least bit scratched I revert back to my genes and start getting annoyed. Dissappointed even.

I found out today that the guy who is the head of second year at my course has a picture of each of us in his room. Why on earth does he have this? Is he trying to make some effort to get to know us? Is he having pretend conversations with the faces in his room because he doesn't have the courgae to speak to us face to face? Are our positions in his room relative to our scores in the recent exams? I don't think i'll ever know but it does seem like he is making some kind of effort and I feel it criminal that I myself am making no such effort. I don't even know who my student counsellor is (though I don't think many people do). This summer I want to get a job and learn how to drive. These seem to be essential pre-requisites for life (of the non-tortured kind) and I am eager to participate them. This shall counter several fears in my life.

1. The fear of social interaction

2. The fear of failure

3. The fear of not knowing what to do

Hmm. I'll report back on my progress later. If my plan for the next summer succeeds then I believe That I'll be ready for the challenge the next Summer. Which will be a Summer placement at an actual company somewhere. Here goes nothing...

Hello

Here I am again. I'm totally fucked and I have a cigarette in my hand. I fee like writing a story. Detectives in my opinion are still a recurring theme. Heh. Everything seems like a mystery that I have to solve. Fuck. It's so cold that I can barely type this. It also doesn't help the fact like I am fucked. Damn, I wat Max Payne to die of liver failure from the sheer amount of painkillers he takes. Fuck man, he must be comstantly fucked. Not to mention he has to live life in a small stop motion world where everything he says is clear to the obsever.

Ouch. How can I get motion sickness from just typing at a keyboard. By the way my stomach is constricting I'd say that I am very hungry. Doesn't make sense though. I had some pasta a couple of hours ago. Still, feels like ages when you are as fucked as this. Hmmmm.

^ that is the thinking gap. The time bought so I can write crap here without you noticing. Only joking. I think I'd make a great systems analyst. Writing crap that someone higher up will buy and then force the poor suckers to try and fail to reach that ideal. Well. That's enugh from me for now. I feel really tired..... yawn.

Strath.ac.uk

I lol'd. Well I really didn't. I'm sitting here in a lab not doing my work. The lab has now officially started and I'm fighting to type this whilst keeping people form reading it. It may be a bit cowardly but I do often use this to bitch about people. Still it'd be better if I said this rather than just keeping it all pent up. Anyway, no-one I know knows about this blog so it's all safe. I'm not saying it to anyone I know to go behind their back I'm just... telling it to a computer screen. Anyway, life is good. I have moved out from home and it is brilliant.

Yes, I bet you thought that I was serious. I'm only a wee bit serious. I am house-sitting for a friend who is going to Africa for a month or so. It is just great to be able to go somewhere and not have my parents being all stupid about it. If I had my way I'd leave and never ever speak to them again. Not because I hate them or anything but just because I don't feel the need to. I have nothing more to say to them and I am tired of having to justify all of my actions and report to them all the time. Sure I'll call up on birthdays and the like, but don't expect much more comunication from me.

I seem to be going nowhere with this blog but I have a plan. I'll bring it all right back, right now. i did lol, but I had to pretend that I didn't. It would seem that in the real world you can't laugh about many of the things that trouble the civilised world. Diseases, crime and terrorism are all out of the question. If I want to..... okay, I have completely lost my inspiration.

I think I'll type here again, when I am much less tired.