It doesn't Want To Work

Me that is. Not strictly tur, but I always wuss out whenever it seems to come time to be doing something about my current financial situation. So, I'm feeling down again (what else is new?) and I'm trying to stay positive. Not meaning to be an emotional fuckwit I'm going to try some rational thinking here. So I have found something. I always feel the worst when I am tired, which if you didn't already know is most of the time. I spend all my time doing stupid shit and not really taking responsibility for what I am doing. This just seems to further my despair.

Why am I saying this? You know what the real problem is? I left my brand spanking new laptop out at a friends house and his bloody cat went and walked all over it and now there are two scratches on the other side of this screen. Typical. I keep going on to my family about how there is no point in having something if you're just going to preserve it as though it's the last damn mcwhidget on the planet, then when something of mine gets the least bit scratched I revert back to my genes and start getting annoyed. Dissappointed even.

I found out today that the guy who is the head of second year at my course has a picture of each of us in his room. Why on earth does he have this? Is he trying to make some effort to get to know us? Is he having pretend conversations with the faces in his room because he doesn't have the courgae to speak to us face to face? Are our positions in his room relative to our scores in the recent exams? I don't think i'll ever know but it does seem like he is making some kind of effort and I feel it criminal that I myself am making no such effort. I don't even know who my student counsellor is (though I don't think many people do). This summer I want to get a job and learn how to drive. These seem to be essential pre-requisites for life (of the non-tortured kind) and I am eager to participate them. This shall counter several fears in my life.

1. The fear of social interaction

2. The fear of failure

3. The fear of not knowing what to do

Hmm. I'll report back on my progress later. If my plan for the next summer succeeds then I believe That I'll be ready for the challenge the next Summer. Which will be a Summer placement at an actual company somewhere. Here goes nothing...