Errrr

Well, hmmmm, the past couple of days I was feeling really happy. No idea why. I hit 'the mode' or something like that. Anyway I have greatly calmed down and I am now back to normal. I'll try and block out the noise some more but for now, I have to go to sleep. Which day was it that I went cycling? I'll have to read my blog again for that. Later...

Edit: Holy crap. I just read my blog. I cannot believe what i was going through. If you read it that is an accurate description of how I was feeling. It's very hard for me to even think about saying such things. That really was the truth. All of the truth was slipping out of me and spilling onto these pages. Wow. I wonder if it'll happen again, or was it just the build up of all this time taking its toll on me? I know that sounds really negative, but it was so hard for me to stay in control. I'm glad I'm back here again. I'm not as down as I used to be. I feel fine.

Jesus Tittyfucking

I can only describe this in one way. I stood on a cloud this morning. I have achieved zen. I think it must all be down to the hypnosis that is making me feel at peace again. For the first time I can remember my mind was clear of all noise. I could concentrate again. I have transferred all of my anguish to another body. It is no longer me attacking myself. It is an outside entity. Another person who is the answer-phone machine to my mind. Dear god I haven't felt this great since ever! I cannot believe it. I'm in a state of mania. I have gone too far.............. I can't describe it. I seem to have power over my body. This hypnosis shit is for real. I feel amazing this is scary I must calm down or I'll be ruined for the next week. Wait, I stopped myself. I came back to normality. I came back to the zen. Well, there is not so much on my mind right now. So I'm just gonna sit back and relax.

Franz Ferdinand

Okay so I am listening to some of my old Albums (yes that's right, albums that I actually bought) and I am at Franz Ferdinand. I think it was the first one that I actually bought myself. Oh well, it just reminds me of 2005. That seems to be the year that started it all. All the crazyness. Thought I still remember people in primary school thinking I was a right nutter. That was that year man. The year of plenty. The year of destruction. I remember all this mind conditioning, but it really wasn't doing anything for me except for severe mental damage. Okay that's not true. It was fine for me, for anyone else though..... it probably would be severe. It was what I wanted and what I still want. The only difference is that this time I can hear her voice. Heh, heh, heh.

Okay, that may seem a bit crazy, but hey, that's who I am. I gave all that Hypnosis stuff a second chance and you know what? It's like she's been in my head the whole time. Ever since I was born. There was always someone there telling me what to do. The only difference now is that it is a real person. Well, sort of real, how real can recordings be? I am glad though. It's like I have come full circle since 2005, I am back at this stage again. However, this time all the wiser. I feel great. I feel so alive. And better still I feel accepted. I have no idea what I was raving on about last time. I must have been high. I just need to keep focused and stop zoning out when I need to concentrate. I feel like I want to cycle to the next town over and back and get healthy. There are so many things that I just need to do and feel relaxed about.

This hypnosis must really be working.....

Right, I'm off for a cycle.

Argh

I am so confused right now... I have been listening to all of these crazy hypnosis mp3s (including one that screamed Leroy Jenkins just as it got to the good part) and I now have some kind of warped sense of reality. The way I see it, if somebody makes these things then there must be a market for them. If there is a market for them then they must be accepted in some part of society. If these people are accepted but I fail to fit in to even this, the bottom rung of the ladder, then what the fuck am I? Holy fucking shit. Ahhhhhhhhh. These things just make me feel so fucked up.

I need a bath. I feel like a fucking hobo. And I have been very angry today... probably due to lack of nicotine. I hope to god that there is a good film on Film4 today. No, fuck all. I'm going to have to drink that carton of custard I found in the fridge because there really is fuck all in the way of food. Gah! This is what happens if you stop smoking. I'm going to have to watch Mega64. The only consolation here is that I don't have to get up early tomorrow. The rail strike means that I will not be able to make it any further than my front door. I'm going fucking crazy. I must do something.

Going back to hypnosis. I don't think it'll work for me. I'm too stressed and too paranoid. They key word they keep repeating is relax, but I can't manage it. I don't know what relaxes me. I am constantly aware, constantly noticing things, constantly looking for what is going to come up and smack me in the face. I can't let gooooooooooooo. Seriously, my mind is full of so much NOISE. There is always something bouncing around in there, and I can never control it. I can't picture something in my mind without it distorting into something freakish and unrecognisable. I hate it. I can't clear my mind and think of nothing, it just seems impossible. I need some relaxation tips. Oh and the drugs don't work, they make you let go but then they fucking strap you the fuck back in. Jesus christ. I need to think. What relaxes me? What makes me feel calm and happy? I think I know the answer. Being beyond help. Being so fucked up in the head that there is no way back. But I don't care, I'm already too far gone and I can't even remember what my past life was like. It's just become a fantasy and nothing is real, nothing matters anymore.

See, I feel better already =p

I think I'm ready to try the hypnosis stuff again. The way I see it is that if I keep listening then one day my mind will just click. And I'll know what I'll need to know, and I'll drift off to sleep. Ahhhhh, and when I do that then I will be able to truly relax in real life. I'll know what my well looks like, or my cave, or forest or whatever. Hmmmmm, I think it may be a cityscape. Plenty of unknowns, rooms that are empty, rooms that I'll never see and rooms that fascinate me.

/me bows to imaginary audience

Sleepy Time

Yawn, I'll update later =p

Altered Dementia

Okay, so it's not going to be anything like the title. I am a bit funny right now ;p Anyway, I was walking down the street and it felt like Christmas. God, it just wasn't this cold last year. Or was it? I seem to remember that I spent alot of that winter in a steamy car in Dunoon, and plenty on a soaking hillside with nothing but a sub and equally soaked friends. Listening to Voltaire also seems to feel like Christmas and Dunoon, for it was the soundtrack to those strange strange times. Funny how things like that get caught in my brain like triggers. I need to stop concentrating on the screen and flow! Hmm, messenger sounds pierce my fragile and tired body. Heh, not that bad actually. It's keeping me awake enough to keep typing here anyway.

RL huh? Well, I started my first day back at Strath. There is some random Polish guy in my class now. He seems pretty awesome, but no-one can pronounce his name. I should get him out drinking so he can impart some crazy Polish stories on people, or am I just streotyping? Well as well as that a whole bunch of people I know from school ( well, practically barely know... but know enough about) are at Strath. So I can show these guys around and teach them the ways, heh. It's going to be a fun 2nd year though. Lots of new and exciting subjects to get incredibly bored of by the first lecture. I really have to buckle down though and it'll be a test of wills to see if I stick to my guns.

Brrrrrr.....

I am totally freezing. Yeah, it's that time of year again. The time where I have that strange sense that the days are going quite fast, it gets too cold for me to even consider being awake and I can just tell that evil people in some far off (warm) citadel are laughing at me. Okay, I may be over-reacting but I can definetly feel it coming. It's tha same thing that happens every year, the run up back to study and routine. Funny thing is though, I can't remember it happening last year. Last year was nice and warm and sunny and just like summer. It seemed to extend on for ages, never quite ending and at some point melting through New Year and just kind of blending into this summer. Or maybe my memory is a tad off. Still I just have a general feeling of down and all the days seem really short, and when it is drizzly at night time it just conjures up images of the side of desolate dual carriageways covered in nothing but mushy snow and freezing. Gah, might not help that it is the view from my Grandmother's living room window.

Another thing. I was at the pub the other day and some chick there said she recognised me from last time. She said that I had a poor memory of it due to being stoned. Thing is though, it was Timmy's birthday and I was completely wasted. I was only incredibly drunk. Anyway, after garbling some random gibberish to her she decided it would be in her best interests to leave me well alone. Didn't even say goodbye. Just went over and sat behind me and decided to tell everyone else "Yeah, that man is kind of crazy". Well honey, first mistake there. Never let a crazy person know that you think they are crazy. At this point I'd post some ASCII of a really creepy psycho face but I can't really do that kind of thing so you'll just have to be content with me telling you my intentions. Well I got on quite well for the rest of that night. I met some school acquaintances who couldn't roll a transfer so I helped them out, heh. Nice to have those kind of skills.