Argh

I am so confused right now... I have been listening to all of these crazy hypnosis mp3s (including one that screamed Leroy Jenkins just as it got to the good part) and I now have some kind of warped sense of reality. The way I see it, if somebody makes these things then there must be a market for them. If there is a market for them then they must be accepted in some part of society. If these people are accepted but I fail to fit in to even this, the bottom rung of the ladder, then what the fuck am I? Holy fucking shit. Ahhhhhhhhh. These things just make me feel so fucked up.

I need a bath. I feel like a fucking hobo. And I have been very angry today... probably due to lack of nicotine. I hope to god that there is a good film on Film4 today. No, fuck all. I'm going to have to drink that carton of custard I found in the fridge because there really is fuck all in the way of food. Gah! This is what happens if you stop smoking. I'm going to have to watch Mega64. The only consolation here is that I don't have to get up early tomorrow. The rail strike means that I will not be able to make it any further than my front door. I'm going fucking crazy. I must do something.

Going back to hypnosis. I don't think it'll work for me. I'm too stressed and too paranoid. They key word they keep repeating is relax, but I can't manage it. I don't know what relaxes me. I am constantly aware, constantly noticing things, constantly looking for what is going to come up and smack me in the face. I can't let gooooooooooooo. Seriously, my mind is full of so much NOISE. There is always something bouncing around in there, and I can never control it. I can't picture something in my mind without it distorting into something freakish and unrecognisable. I hate it. I can't clear my mind and think of nothing, it just seems impossible. I need some relaxation tips. Oh and the drugs don't work, they make you let go but then they fucking strap you the fuck back in. Jesus christ. I need to think. What relaxes me? What makes me feel calm and happy? I think I know the answer. Being beyond help. Being so fucked up in the head that there is no way back. But I don't care, I'm already too far gone and I can't even remember what my past life was like. It's just become a fantasy and nothing is real, nothing matters anymore.

See, I feel better already =p

I think I'm ready to try the hypnosis stuff again. The way I see it is that if I keep listening then one day my mind will just click. And I'll know what I'll need to know, and I'll drift off to sleep. Ahhhhh, and when I do that then I will be able to truly relax in real life. I'll know what my well looks like, or my cave, or forest or whatever. Hmmmmm, I think it may be a cityscape. Plenty of unknowns, rooms that are empty, rooms that I'll never see and rooms that fascinate me.

/me bows to imaginary audience